This is the Hard Part

For divorced parents with kids, guilt and grief may also be on the holiday menu

Thanksgiving is all about finding things to be grateful for, but for many divorced parents with shared custody, holidays come with mixed emotions. If you share the day, the time, the meal, the school break with another parent, you will, quite simply, miss your kid.

This is not to say you won’t have a nice dinner, drinks or chats on your “adult” time with family and friends. But unlike all the other days and nights of the year, holidays hit differently when you are divorced. The sense of loss is always there; the curiosity of what your kid may be experiencing, at any moment, without you, may sneak into your thoughts.

As a divorced mom who’s experienced this for a decade and a half (and add decade and a half of history I accumulated as a child of divorce), I am sharing some tips. I won’t call them “words of wisdom” because I haven’t cracked the code either but keep these five things in mind.

1. Do what you want, but don’t isolate yourself the entire day. Feel like you need some alone time and not into celebrating for hours on end? It’s your life! Take a drive, go for a hike, binge watch that new series with your dog and a bowl of popcorn. Do a face mask. Make banana bread. But make a plan to meet up with friends or family at a certain time and place later in the day. Have something on the books; have a destination.

2. Touch base with your kid. Rather than wonder what they’re doing, give them a text or a call. There’s no law against it (unless your custody agreement bans that).

3. Plan for your time with them. Find a recipe, research fun things to do or vacation destinations, book a new restaurant or plan an activity for when you are with them next — whether that is the next day, next week, or next holiday.

4. Know it will get a little easier. Notice the key words here being a little. I’m not going to lie. It seems like it will never end — because it won’t. One kid is in college now and one has graduated, but the split time is still the reality. Even when your kid is in town for a holiday break, one morning you’ll wake up all excited, remembering they’re asleep in their room — and the next night, they’re not. Knowing they’re 20 minutes away at their other parent’s house, instead of 500 miles away at college, may make you miss them even more. You’re buying their favorite snacks at the grocery, but you only need enough for a few days. If you’re baking their favorite muffins, you have to time it right. If you’ve been through this now for a few years, and hopefully put the three things above into practice, it can be a bit easier.

5. Know you will be OK. You’re strong enough. And the kids will be OK, too. They are strong enough because you’ve shown them how.